


the star were made for falling

by rintintin20



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Finn Needs A Hug, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Rey Needs A Hug, everybody needs a hug, implied sex makes up for it though RIGHT, poor sweet baby Poe, seriously you will want to hug Poe, there is violence in this but it's not graphic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-07-25 14:15:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16199204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rintintin20/pseuds/rintintin20
Summary: The First Order wins, and this is what becomes of you and the Resistance.





	1. alone at the edge of a universe

**Author's Note:**

> This messed up idea came to me and I wanted to write it. Already posted on Tumblr and figured, what the heck, I'll post it here.

So this was how the galaxy as you knew it was going to end.

Not with a fizzle, but with a sadistic group taking over planets and implementing their ‘ideas’ and 'morals’ until everyone was the same.

Heartless.

Selfish.

Disguised behind words like 'perfect’ and 'good’.

You could have stopped it. If you had gotten allies a little sooner, if you had rebuilt the Resistance, if the First Order hadn’t managed a surprise attack that took out almost everyone, if the rest hadn’t run far from the idea of fighting for good in fear of the repercussions.

All that was left was Leia, Chewbacca, Finn, Rey, Rose, Kaydel, Poe, and you; that wasn’t enough to stop the ever-growing First Order, even with a few droids by your side.

So you ran like cowards, together. Was it cowardice, though, if your options were running or dying?

The First Order began infiltrating planets the moment no one was trying to stop them. Their infiltration included not only lies, brute force, and propaganda posters, but also wanted posters. Big pictures of your faces with a tempting bounty that would easily have beings on the most peaceful planets happily turning you in.

You had to be careful with your running, trying to avoid planets that had already been convinced that the First Order truly just wanted to do the right thing for the galaxy. The Millennium Falcon — the only ship to your names, once more — would be recognized the moment it got too close, and then your running would have been for nothing.

It worked for quite a while, before you slipped up at the cost of Rose and Finn. They agreed to be the ones to get fuel and supplies when you made it to a seemingly un-brainwashed planet, landing the ship in a hidden spot just in case.

Ten minutes passed and they hadn’t returned.

Twenty was enough for Leia to send you and Poe out to be sure they were alright, worry in her tone that even she couldn’t hide. You had blasters, at least, as you headed into the village to find them.

What you found was stormtroopers everywhere. They were marching, patroling, advertising, intimidating; actual inhabitants of the planet seemed few and far between compared to the swarm of soldiers.

Poe put an arm in front of you to keep you back, hidden behind some bushes.

There was a break in the crowd and two voices shouting that you recognized well before they came into view.

Rose and Finn, yelling, kicking and shoving as hard as they could, which wasn’t even close to enough to free themselves from the determined troopers dragging them to a ship.

You jumped forward and felt a tight grip on your arm pulling you back. It was Poe, whispering at you not to, and you looked back at him in confusion.

Reckless Poe.

Heroic Poe.

Sacrificial Poe.

Resigned Poe?

_You can’t go up against all of them. You show yourself, we’re all dead, and then this is…this is all for nothing. All we’ve done is for nothing. We’ll find them again. We’ll find them._

It sounded like he was talking to himself more than you.

You didn’t try to run out into the open, but Poe had to drag you back to the ship as you stared ahead.

You weren’t sure you would ever forget the way they manhandled Rose, or the pure terror in Finn’s eyes. He knew everything they were capable of and he had escaped, and he was being dragged right back.

Rey wept upon your return to the ship, and you would have comforted her were it not for the fact that you, too, would have started crying. You wouldn’t have stopped, since two of your friends were in the First Order’s clutches and your little group was even smaller.

There was no time to cry. You needed to keep running and hope you stumbled across an alternative that actually made a difference.

* * *

You were sitting with Poe while he piloted one night, legs tucked up in your seat. Everyone else was asleep.

“Go to sleep, kid.”

You couldn’t, you told him softly. Because you couldn’t stop thinking about…even though you trailed off as the painful images passed through your mind, he nodded in understanding.

“I know.”

“We should have tried—”

“I know.”

You ran a hand over your face, standing up to look out the window at the stars.

“Don’t,” Poe said when you started to move back to your seat. “No, no, don’t even turn your head. Stay like that. Just like that.”

His view was of your profile against a starry background as you froze where you stood. “Why am I standing like this?”

“It’s just nice to see something beautiful among all the shit.”

You looked at him.

Then you rode him right there in the pilot’s seat, not sure if you were easy or lonely. Maybe you were both.

The orgasm was nice, but you almost preferred afterwards, when you had your face pressed to his neck and he was running his fingers up and down your back, promising that you would defeat the First Order. That you would get Finn and Rose back.

Rumor had it that Poe was a one-and-done sort of guy when it came to sex.

Yet he seemed to keep you closer after that, protected you a little more, which was a lot for an already protective man like him.

You and Rey volunteered on your next fuel stop, and Poe wasn’t far behind, keeping a hand on his blaster just in case.

None of you noticed the poster until the gasps started and people started racing for you, grabbing onto the man whose face matched the poster on the building behind him. His arms were yanked back before he could pull his blaster all the way out, local villagers dragging him away.

“Poe!” Both you and Rey attempted to grab him back, but money hungry hands shoved you away.

Rey lifted her own hands to do whatever she could with the Force, and Poe — who stopped struggling when he saw two posters of the women with him and two half-torn ones of Finn and Rose — yelled, “Don’t! Go! Get out of here! Get the fuck out of here!”

You met his eyes and they were desperately begging, so you grabbed Rey and forced yourself to pull her back to the ship.

“No!” Her cry of anguish broke your heart; she already lost two friends and had just recently grown a precious bond with Poe, who was now being taken from her, too.

You were so busy trying to keep it together that you didn’t realize you’d been crying the entire time until the Millennium Falcon was in the air.

* * *

One month. You got one month — give or take a few days — of peace.

You seemed to finally be ahead of the First Order, stopping on planets that weren’t against you and planets that weren’t aware of the large sum of money they would receive for turning you in.

Your tiny group briefly discussed whether you should stop somewhere to rest, but came to the conclusion that it was too dangerous. The First Order would be on your heels quickly if you stopped for too long.

You let your guard down because of it. You were still on edge, obviously, yet your shields were lowered  _just enough_  to allow mistakes.

You were also preoccupied with figuring out how you were going to get Rose, Finn, and Poe back.

If they were still—

Your thoughts were interrupted when you walked right into a stormtrooper.

You’d run before they noticed who you were and had been running for what felt like hours. It had been minutes, really, but your chest was already burning.

You had a stitch in your side.

Your legs ached.

Your body was begging you to lay down. You refused to listen because laying down would mean letting them get you.

Your refusal didn’t matter. You turned a corner to find two troopers in front of you, blasters at the ready, and immediately spun around to see two more stepping in behind you.

Your struggle was also a thing that didn’t matter. You were so exhausted from having just run so much, panting harshly as you were dragged onto a transport ship.

The muscles in your legs twitched as you sat between a set of stormtroopers, cuffs keeping your wrists in front of you. Your brain thought you were relaxing.

Stupid fucking brain.

You bit your lip to keep from sobbing during the few hours to their apparent headquarters.

A few hours. You had been so ridiculously close to them and you didn’t even know it.

You were lead none-too-gently into a big, sleek building and down a few hallways, stopping once you reached an office. Your cuffs were removed and in you walked to find it was the office of General Hux.

You knew it was useless to try to run, but did anyway. The troopers easily turned you back around, pushing you to the desk where the man sat.

“Oh, I do enjoy being in charge of these affairs.” He walked around the desk as if to get a better look at you, smirking. “Did you think you would get away?”

You stared at him in silence.

“You must have known it was only a matter of time. After all, we got the technician, the traitor, the pilot…” He ran a gloved finger under your chin and you quickly jerked back, bumping into the stormtroopers behind you.

“What the hell have you done with them?”

“Be more specific, scum.”

Of course this dick wanted to make you suffer. “Rose. The technician.”

“I believe…” He picked up a datapad from the desk, pushing a few things. “Oh, yes, she is currently part of an effort to salvage materials for our buildings.”

You closed your eyes for a moment, knowing Rose came from a planet that was forced into labor for the First Order. “And Finn?”

“FN-2187—”

“ _Finn_.”

“—has restarted his training as a soldier. Of course, it is more intense with his age and past treason.” He seemed so smug, obviously pleased with Finn’s probable torture.

“And—” You paused out of fear of his next answer. “And Poe? Is he—” You trembled and he noticed with a wider smirk.

“He was meant to be executed, as per the Supreme Leader’s orders,” Did he nearly roll his eyes or did you imagine that? “but I convinced him of a more…fitting fate for such rebel scum.” An idea seemed to flit over his face before he moved around his desk, pushing a button for what you assumed to be an intercom. “Bring the dog to my office.”

“Just tell me what you did to him.” Why the hell was he bringing a dog in? Why did the First Order even have a dog? Did they train it to eat people? Were you about to be eaten?

The door opened and you heard a chain rattling. Your troopers turned you around to see two others, and between them was— “Oh, fuck,  _Poe_.”

Humiliation rolled off of him in waves, that chain you heard around his neck while the other end of it was held by one of the stormtroopers. He wore plain clothes and his jacket was nowhere to be seen.

'Fitting’ seemed to mean 'worse’ in the First Order’s cruel language; Poe Dameron, determined and free, made into a pet for the people he hated more than anything.

His eyes widened the moment his gaze landed on you.

“No!” He tried to run to you. The one trooper yanked him back with the chain and quickly pushed him to his knees, and the other held up a crackling taser stave.

You desperately attempted to turn from the scene that was about to unfold, but you were held fast, forced to watch as the stave was jabbed into his ribs. He made a noise between a pained groan and a defeated whimper.

Then he was silent, staying on his knees, staring at the floor.

“Please,  _please_ , let me see him,” you whispered so softly, tears in your eyes from missing him so much and now witnessing his pain. Was it okay to still be relieved to see him even if he was like this?

You didn’t actually expect your request to be granted, but you were let go after Hux must have given some gesture of approval, not hesitating to run to him. “Poe,” You fell to your knees with him, cupping his face. “What have they done to you?”

He said nothing, practically falling forward and pressing his face to your chest, seeking comfort. It must have been bad if a brave man with a devil-may-care attitude like Poe Dameron could do nothing but desperately search for solace.

“Enough.” The general’s command had Poe’s chain getting another yank, pulling him away from you. “I struggle to decide what to do with someone with as little importance as you.” He seemed to know how to dig into your insecurities. “So, dog, what are your thoughts? You may speak since you’ve been spoken to.”

The sadistic asshole derived so much pleasure from speaking to Poe like this after being lightly teased by him before.

And Poe loved to talk and talk, so of course they had a rule of speaking when spoken to.

You didn’t have much time to think about how fucked up it all was before you felt a blaster pressed to your head. Poe seemed to tense even more than you.

You could tell by the volume of his voice that Hux had walked closer. “Shall we give her the mercy of death, or should she face another fate?”

“Poe, you don’t have to do—” You cut off with a wince as the weapon was pushed harder against your head.

“Oh, very well.” Hux huffed like you were children, but there was still so much joy in his tone over what was happening. “I’ll count to hurry your decision along. Three…”

“Poe, it’s okay.” Your tear-filled eyes met his panicked ones, trying to calm him down so he wouldn’t feel guilt. You knew he would anyway, though.

“Two…”

“Just let them. I’ll be alright.”

“One.”

You felt the blaster shift as the stormtrooper holding it began to squeeze the trigger.

“Don’t!” Poe’s face showed that he realized the heaviness of that word, and his look was quickly followed by the most heartbreaking regret you had ever seen. “I’m so sorry, kid.”

The metal against your head was replaced after a few moments with a gloved hand. It didn’t take a genius to figure out whose. “Do you see? He’s willing to let you suffer if it means he can see you.” The words had Poe avoiding your gaze, proving their truth. “Selfishness like this runs rampant in the rebellion. Were you on our side, you would have been put out of your misery.” The hand that had been stroking your hair suddenly gripped it tightly, pulling you to your feet. “Take her to a cell until I figure out what to do with her.”

You were grabbed by the two stormtroopers and Poe tried to stand. “Please don’t hurt her.”

“You had your chance to save her, scum. Lock him away again.”

He was pulled up to his feet, taken out of the room behind you, and you were a little hopeful that you would at least be close. Did that offer a chance of escape? Being close?

It didn’t matter, since you were dragged one way and Poe the other, staring at each other until you were both out of sight.

And, you briefly thought, perhaps out of hope.


	2. flowers gasping under rubble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The First Order decides your fate, and uses you to continue Poe's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Reader is forced to bathe (shower?) Poe. It's non-sexual, but pretty sad.

It had been days — you’d been counting since there was nothing else to do — since you’d been locked away in a dimly lit cell; the only human interaction you got were hands reaching into a slot in the door twice a day to deliver some sort of mush and a cup of water.

You ignored the meals at first, as some childish revenge, but you were so ravished by the next morning that you nearly attacked the tray. It tasted like nothing, which you supposed was better than tasting awful.

The water was nice and normal, at least.

You realized on the fourth day that they weren’t just making you wait in agony to discover what your fate would be.

No, this  _was_  the fate they decided for you.

Solitude.

Separation from the ones you loved so you couldn’t be around them, thus being unable to protect them or even know if they were okay.

They had wondered what kept you going, and assumed correctly that it was your love for the Resistance and its few members left. Their greatest way to hurt you was to keep you from them.

To keep you from everyone, evidently, based on the fact that the only human thing besides yourself the past few days were those delivering hands.

You were trying to be strong after your realization, but you were already wondering if you were going to be there forever. They weren’t starving you or hurting you, so were they just going to let you grow old here? Or keep you until you grew mad from loneliness and boredom, and found some way to retreat into your head or off yourself?

What if you never saw your friends again? What if you never saw Poe again?

He could have been suffering more beneath their power at that very moment and there was nothing you could do about it. The First Order could have gotten Leia, Rey, Chewie, and Kaydel, and there was nothing you could do about it.

You were driving yourself crazy almost immediately.

It was on the eighth day— eighth day? Yes. Yes, it had been one week and a day when the door actually  _opened_. You had gotten so used to being alone that your reaction was pretty delayed, not staggering to your feet from your pathetic excuse of a bed until a stormtrooper entered the cell.

“General Hux has ordered for you to bathe.”

You weren’t so far gone that you couldn’t give a humorless snort. “He’s not gonna make me sit in my own grime to up the discomfort factor?” Your voice was a little small and sad, though.

“Move it.”

You raised your hands in surrender and walked rather slowly out the door as the trooper stepped aside, feeling a blaster shoved against your back the moment you stepped into the hallway. “I’ve been on a diet of sludge all week. I’m not running anywhere.” You simply received a firm nudge and stumbled further into the hallway, immediately closing your eyes against the light.

Right. You’d been in near darkness for a week and a day.

The stormtrooper continued to urge you forward so you kept walking, opening and closing your eyes until the brightness of the light started to hurt less. You blinked often, but you could keep your eyes open well enough.

Despite the light, the hallway was black, floor to ceiling. The next hallway was black and so was the next one, and you were kind of annoyed by the time you made it to a silver door. It hissed open within seconds of being approached and you walked inside, looking around.

It was a communal shower room and you suddenly felt incredibly nervous. It was perfect, of course, with several showers along the wall in front of you. They were all tiled in black and none of them were dripping, which you found odd since almost all the showers dripped back at the Resistance base.

“There’s no way in hell that I’m showering in front of you.”

“I’m security, scum.”

“Where am I going to go?” You gestured around the room. The one wall had the showers, a far wall on the left had towels, the one on the right was empty, and the one behind you only had the door. “You can stand outside.”

Damn, you must have been good if a well-trained stormtrooper said in a frustrated tone, “For the dog, not for you.”

“The do—” You froze. “Poe?”

As if on cue, a chained Poe Dameron was brought in and all your feelings were shoved away by relief that he was okay.

Alive.

Perhaps not okay. He looked like he was about to fall over at any moment.

“Poe!” You tried to go to him as he was brought by, but you were held back, only able to watch in abject horror as he was roughly stripped down and chained to the wall of a shower.

“You’ll bathe the dog first.” You were pushed forward, made to stumble towards the stall as the other stormtroopers left.

So this was another way to humiliate Poe; have him bathed like an  _actual dog_  by someone he cared about.

You only continued into the stall because you were afraid the trooper would retaliate against Poe rather than you. As you stepped in front of him, you kept your gaze on his lowered head; while you may have had sex with him, you felt his dignity was at stake here. You would save him from as much embarrassment as you could.

You fiddled around with the tap until you figured out how to turn the water on, gasping as freezing cold water came from the ceiling above. You merely felt a few drops and Poe bore the brunt of it, tensing and groaning lowly. There were buttons on the wall and you made quick work of pushing them to warm the water, but it only seemed to get colder.

“No hot water,” Poe muttered through a clenched jaw, shifting as he tried to adjust to the temperature. “Not for me.”

“Oh.” You didn’t know if there was anything else to say that wouldn’t involve you crying for this beautiful man. At least there was some soap, for his body and his hair.

You assumed. They were just nozzles sticking out of the wall and you stuck your hand under one, which automatically put a thick liquid into your palm. It didn’t hurt and it smelled pleasant enough, so you felt confident using it.

“I’m…going to touch you now.” You kept your eyes on Poe’s face as you lathered the soap in your hands and rubbed it on his shoulders. “I'm—”

“I’m sorry, kid.”

Since when did you sound like Poe? You realized he apologized before you got a chance to, looking at you with genuine sorrow.

“It’s okay.” Yes, this was upsetting, and yes, you were going to think about this for the rest of your life, but you weren’t the one who was naked, being washed by someone else. You weren’t going to allow him to carry the guilt.

As you ran your hands over his torso, you noticed that he kept flinching, even though he tried to hide it. You knew this was embarrassing for him, but you also knew that Poe Dameron was no stranger to being touched.

Your curiosity got the best of you and your gaze flickered down, breath hitching at what you saw there.

His upper body was littered with marks; taser marks, some angry and new while others had dulled with time. You could almost see him when they first brought him, how he probably fought them and sassed them.

Until he gave up, and now he seemed almost  _broken_  — which you didn’t think a man like him could be — and his body showed the pain they inflicted on him.

“Oh, Poe—” You stumbled away, back hitting the shower wall as you started to sob. “This is so fucked up. This is so fucked  _up_.” Tears were falling from your eyes quickly, the weight of everything becoming too much.

This was your life from now on. This was Poe’s life from now on. If he had given up on escaping, what hope was there for the rest of you?

You felt as if your chest was about to cave in, weeping for Finn, and Rose, and yourself, and most of all Poe. His pain was so obvious that it was easy to take it from him, to feel it as deeply as if it were your own. It didn’t help that you cared for him, too. You had formed a connection that night in the pilot’s seat, whether you meant to or not.

“I hate them. I want to go home.” You were as pitiful as a child, wrapping your arms around yourself. “I want to kill everyone in the First Order, and go home, and have you be you again.”

Where was home? You didn’t know. All you knew was that it was safe, and everyone was with you. Leia, Rey, Kaydel, Chewie, Finn, Rose, Poe, BB-8…home was with all of them, wherever.

“No! No, don’t. I’ll calm her down.”

You could see through your tears that the stormtrooper was walking closer, blaster raised, before Poe blocked your view. He cupped your face and pressed his forehead to yours.

“Shh…shh…” His thumbs wiped your tears away. “I know it sucks, but this is what you have to do to stay safe. I put you in this, I  _need you_  to survive it.”

You shook your head, letting out and taking in a shaky breath. “I can’t do this to you.”

“I’m glad it’s you. If it were anyone else…I’m glad it’s you, kid, okay? Please just survive this until…” He trailed off, having no plan this time. “Just do what you need to do to keep yourself safe. For me.” He knew how to get to you, apparently. If you did as you were told, if you stayed safe, maybe it would give him some sort of hope. “You understand?”

“Yes. Okay.” You continued to cry despite the agreement.

“And before you go thinking anything else, I am still me.”  _Liar_. “And I’m right here with you, you got me?”

You nodded, hands darting up to grab onto his arms when he started to pull away. His skin was chilled from the water. You held him close because he may have seemed like a shadow of the Poe you knew, but he was still some version of your Poe, and his closeness brought some comfort. “Please don’t let them lock me away again.”

“You’ve gotta keep cleaning me up, sweetheart.” He pulled out of your grip, moving under the stream of water and trying to hide the reluctance in his eyes.

You slowly pulled yourself together, getting more soap in your hands. You could do this, right? Poe was giving you permission, to survive. The longer you survived, the longer you had to come up with some sort of plan.

It occurred to you that you hadn’t even tried. You had been too busy worrying to stop and figure out some way out of this.

There had to be some way out. There was always hope.

After you washed Poe’s body, considerably calmer, you moved onto his hair. He liked having his hair touched and even now was no exception; his head dropped to your shoulder as you massaged his scalp, seeking as much comfort as you just had.

You would find a way out for him, if nothing else.

“Hurry up.”

Poe lifted his head at the stormtrooper’s words, letting the suds rinse out. You turned off the water and cautiously moved to get him a towel, getting back into the stall to dry him off.

You gently dabbed at his face, pushing wet curls from his forehead, and he gazed at you appreciatively. Were you the only gentle touch he received? More than likely.

You wondered what it would be like if you were free. If the two of you had become lovers and had taken a shower together, and then tenderly dried each other off.

Instead, you had just washed the man, and had a slight mental breakdown, and now the stormtroopers came back in to dress him and unhook the chain from the wall. You grabbed onto his arm.

“Stay with me?” Having slight hope didn’t mean you weren’t scared.

One trooper aimed a taser stave at  _you_ , and Poe quickly shoved you away from him, making you stumble back. His movements were cruel, but his eyes showed the protection beneath them.

Then he was roughly dragged out while you stared.

You heard your stormtrooper tell you that you had ten minutes as he walked out, too.

It was just you, alone, hopeful and hopeless all at once. You undressed after a moment and got into another shower stall.

The water was warm.

For some reason, you hated it.


	3. i beg of thee, have mercy on me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have a horrible plan that might, possibly work if you do everything perfectly. But Finn distracts you from going through with it when he arrives to transport you from your cell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be goodness for these two soon. THEY DESERVE IT SO.

Once you were back in your very own solitary, you came up with a plan.

It wasn’t the best plan or even really a good plan, but it was all you could do with no resources under someone else’s power.

You were going to run. The door would open again, eventually, so you, or Poe, or someone else could suffer with your involvement, and you would slam the stormtrooper into a wall and run. You would find Poe and maybe even Finn, and you could escape in a TIE fighter, and fly to whatever planet Rose was on, and the four of you would rejoin the Resistance.

Okay, the rest of the plan was a little idealistic, but shoving a stormtrooper and running was a good start.

You weren’t sure how great your strength and endurance would be, though. More days had passed and your diet of unidentifiable mush and water was catching up to you quick; you were completely exhausted even though the only activity you had in your cell was sleeping, aside from daydreaming and pacing.

Maybe you would run to a kitchen first and try to find some fruit. That could help you get some energy up. Could one piece of fruit undo a couple weeks of a poor diet? You should’ve studied nutrition. Then you wouldn’t have joined the Resistance. Then you wouldn’t be there, locked away by yourself.

You also wouldn’t have met Poe. You wouldn’t have met any of the brave, wonderful people you were proud to call your friends.

Was it better to be safe and alone or in danger and loved?

You supposed it didn’t matter, really. You were currently in danger and alone.

And going crazy and really hoping someone would come soon so you could get the hell out of there.

It was another eight days before the door opened and someone walked in. Your cell was so dim that you could only make out a silhouette, which wore a stormtrooper’s armor, but no helmet.

You squinted in the darkness to see their face, slowly moving to your feet so you could get a closer look.

“—Finn? Finn!” The name was nearly sobbed and your excitement gave you enough strength to run to him, wrapping your arms around him. He stumbled slightly from the force, but quickly straightened up. “I’m so happy to see you! I’m so happy that you’re okay! You have no idea what it’s been like. Hux said you were being trained, and Poe is a dog, and Rose is a slave on some planet getting parts for buildings, and I’ve been locked— why aren’t you hugging me back?” Your tearful voice suddenly turned serious as you noticed the suspiciously stiff way his arms stayed at his sides.

He pulled away and wrapped a hand around your upper arm, holding it so firmly that you were sure the muscle was being ground into the bone. “Finn,” you whimpered. “Finn, you’re hurting me.”

He gave no response, leading you out into the hallway. You closed your eyes against the painful brightness and by the time you opened them, you were approaching a door that lead to Hux’s office as far as you could remember.

Based on the fact that he was sitting behind the grand desk you recognized from your last meeting, you were pretty sure you were right. “Put her next to the dog.”

Finn turned you to where Poe was kneeling on the floor, pulling you over and forcing you down next to him. You could see him fully from your position on your knees and what you saw was…a void.

You had hope somewhere, in the back of your mind, that Finn would be okay. He had been raised in this and still ended up being a good guy, and he knew how wrong everything they did was, so you thought he could resist them.

But you were going half-crazy from solitude. And Poe was broken from his constant humiliation and pain. There was a form of torture for everyone, and you really didn’t want to know what they did to a sweet guy like Finn to make his gaze so empty that you weren’t sure if there was a human being behind it anymore.

“Poe, what’s going on?”

“I don’t know.” He kept his eyes on Finn, subtly moving closer to you so he could press his shoulder to yours as some sort of comfort.

Hux stood up behind his desk, smirking. “FN-2187, prove your loyalty.”

There was a trooper behind Poe — with his helmet on and, oh, Finn’s was off so you would have to look at him and know it was him doing whatever was about to happen — who was holding out a taser stave, which Finn reached over to take. He stepped back, looking at it with his empty eyes as he powered it up.

It crackled. Poe flinched.

Then Finn was walking to him and he straightened up, eyes wide. “Finn, buddy, you don’t have to do this.” You hadn’t seen so much life in him since his capture. It was clear that he was trying to save both himself and your friend, hence the need for a little desperate animation in his voice and movements. “I don’t know what they did to you, but this isn’t yo—” The stave jabbed into his shoulder, shocking him and making him rear back, hiding a cry of pain behind a loud groan.

You had turned your head away, eyes closed tightly, but the sound of it was enough to have tears entering your eyes.

“And the girl.”

You’d been expecting it — why else would you be there? — but you looked up at Finn with wide, pleading eyes all the same. “Please…” You didn’t beg too much because if he could hurt Poe without a thought, you imagined you would easily be given the same treatment.

“No! No, fuck, Finn, please,” Poe rasped, words practically tripping over each other with how quickly he spoke. “Not her. Just do it to me again. Do it to me again!” He directed the repeated demand at Hux, whose smirk only widened.

You wanted to curl up and hide behind Poe, perhaps until your entire time with the First Order was over, but he had taken this so many times. You could see the marks over his body clearly in your mind. And what had you been through? A couple weeks alone? Yeah, it was defeating you all the same, but it was nothing compared to his abuse. Nothing compared to the torture that the man before you must have gone through to become the perfect soldier.

You closed your eyes for a brief moment, then took a deep breath and gave Finn the most level stare you could. You were shaking anyway.

If Poe could take it, you could take it.

If Poe could take it, you could take it.

If Poe could take it, you could take it.

If Poe could take it, you could—

Every muscle tensed as the stave was pressed to your side, but being frozen didn’t stop you from feeling the pain. It hurt like hell and seemed to last forever, and a scream left your lips the moment the tasing stopped.

Oh, damn it, you were crying as you fell forward onto your hands. From your pain, from Poe’s pain, and from whatever turned Finn into something you knew he would never choose to be.

The taser was so powerful that it had burned through your shirt, and you could feel that the mark was red based on how much it was throbbing in pain.

You realized that you’d been so distracted by seeing Finn that you forgot about your plan. You would probably be put away for at least another week and, with only your pain on your mind, you weren’t sure if you could do it. It was all becoming too much and you understood why even someone like Poe could break.

“—she’s hurt, just let me look at her.”

“Take her back to her cell.”

Your arms were grabbed and you were pulled to your feet by a trooper that wasn’t Finn. He wasn’t even in the room anymore.

In your weakening haze of pain, you repeated something you had asked of Poe while you were washing him, “Please don’t let them lock me away again.” Your voice was far more desperate than it had been. Being alone with nothing to do had been bad enough, but you were hurting and breaking, and you wanted to stay with him. You were safe with each other.

“Wait.” Hux’s pleased tone told you that you shouldn’t have said such a thing. “You should be begging him for your safety. He did this to you. He agreed to let you suffer for his own satisfaction.” He gave some gesture and you were dragged back, shoved to your knees in front of Poe. “Beg him.”

Didn’t it ever stop? Did it always have to be watching Poe suffer, or hurting Poe, or getting hurt, or being forced into solitude?

You weren’t sure why you thought you would get some peace. You were under the First Order’s power, and they were sadistic assholes who got off on your suffering.

“Please…” Your voice shook with how much you didn’t want to do this, but you wanted it to be over with. While you may not have wanted to be locked up, you wanted to cause Poe pain even less. “Please don’t let them take me. I want to stay with you.”

As you begged, Poe did something you’d never witnessed before; he cried. “I’m sorry.” Tears fell steadily from his eyes, and you imagined they weren’t just for you and him, but for Finn as well. Poe held you back when Finn and Rose were taken for your own safety. That didn’t mean he didn’t feel guilty. Especially now that he’d seen what they’d done to him. “I was being selfish. I couldn’t lose you.”

Was he talking about the day he held you back or the day he told Hux not to kill you?

“I can’t do this. Let me stop.”

Were you talking to Poe or to Hux?

Either way, you were pulled to your feet and taken out of the room, back in the direction of your cell.

It was so much that you couldn’t even cry; Finn’s cruel fate as a heartless soldier, Poe’s constant pain thanks to Hux’s hatred for him, your pain both physical and mental, the anguish that was thrust upon you all without a moment in between to truly gather yourselves.

You couldn’t break because you needed to go through with your plan.

You couldn’t break because it was too soon and you were supposed to be strong.

You couldn’t break because you needed to get Poe out.

You couldn’t break because you needed to save Finn.

You couldn’t break because you needed to get back to the Resistance.

You couldn’t break.

But you did.


	4. endless apologies of paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe gives reader a break. She learns some new information, courtesy of General Hux.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn't as messed up as the others!!

You expected to be shut away for another eight days. That seemed to be the pattern.

Eight days of loneliness. Twenty minutes of hurting Poe. Eight days of emptiness. Twenty minutes of getting hurt and watching Poe get hurt.

You started counting to the next eight days and were so surprised when a stormtrooper walked in on the second day that you forgot all about your plan again.

“Get up.”

You didn’t want to. Getting up meant leaving your cell, and that wasn’t something you wanted so much anymore. There was so much pain every time you left. You couldn’t decide if the agony of being alone was worse than the torture you and your friends were put through.

“Get up.” He aimed his blaster at you and you slowly moved to your feet, walking over to him.

What was the point of fighting it anyway?

Unless you shoved him right then and there, your day was going to continue with its new schedule. More pain that would probably involve more breaking of your spirit.

And, anyway, he forced you into the hallway as soon as you started lifting your hands to push him, so you couldn’t carry out your plan.

You stumbled ahead as he held his blaster close to your back, walking in the direction of Hux’s office and passing right by it. That was promising, right? And you were pretty sure the communal showers were in the other direction, so you wouldn’t be made to bathe anyone.

“You have two hours.” The stormtrooper had stopped outside of a door and touched something that made it open. You looked at him and he looked at you, and he gestured to the room with his weapon. “Before General Hux changes his mind.”

You were slightly confused as you walked inside and the door shut. That was when you saw him, sitting on an uncomfortable bed, his eyes closed and his head resting back against the wall.

"Poe?” Hope was growing in you no matter how hard you tried to refuse it; this had to be some game that would end up with one or both of you being hurt.

He opened his eyes, giving you a small smile. “Hey, kid.”

“What now? Do I have to kill you? Is Hux going to come in and make us fight each other?”

“No, I put this together. It’s just you and me.” He paused. “I mean, they might be watching us, but it’s just you and me in here for the next two hours.”

Now you were definitely confused, and this all seemed too  _good_. “What do you mean, you put this together?”

“I pulled a couple strings. Even a dog like me has connections.”

Poe’s cell — you assumed it was his cell — was decently lit unlike yours, and as he leaned forward a little, you could see the only connections he had were fists to his face. His bottom lip was split and there was a bruise high on his left cheekbone, and you could tell by the careful way he held himself that fists or boots had hit places hidden by his clothes.

“What did you do?” Your voice was soft, horrified and somewhat accusatory.

“They weren’t gonna let me see you without a little something in return.”

“Don’t.” The word came out as a pathetic mixture of a whine and a sob. “Don’t do this shit for me.” You hated that Poe was hurt so often and so cruelly; now he had actually let himself get hurt just to spend time with you.

“I had to.” There was anger entering his tone, with a hint of worry beneath it. “I saw you giving up and there’s no way in  _hell_  that I’m letting you resign yourself to this place. You’re getting out of here because you’re not even supposed to be here. I never should have—” He cut himself off, closing his eyes for a moment. “I don’t want to fight, alright? I needed you here. What’s done is done. Let’s not waste two hours arguing.”

He was right; it wasn’t like you could go back in time and stop him from getting himself beaten in exchange for alone time with you. You nodded.

“Come here. I wanna take a look at your side.”

You cringed at the thought of anything being near your side. Your uncomfortable cell had been even more uncomfortable after you were put back in it, sitting alone with a throbbing, stinging pain. Soreness was added to the throbbing and stinging the next day. This morning — at least you thought it was morning — the pain had dulled some, but it still hurt.

You trusted Poe, of course, so you walked to him anyway. He gently lifted your shirt and ran a thumb over the red mark on your ribs, making you hiss in pain.

“Sorry, sweetheart.” He tugged your shirt back into place.

“Is that why I’m here? Because I’m broken?”

“You’re  _not_  broken. This is all just…” One of his hands moved to your hip, stroking it and easing you closer. “This is too much for you to go through. You need a break so you don’t snap.”

“And what about you? You’ve been in this longer than I have. You’re tortured every day while all I have to go through is being alone. Where is your break?”

The way he looked up at you told you that this was also his break, and you felt foolish for not realizing it. His actions had been both sacrificial and selfish, for something that the both of you needed.

“I just need a couple seconds.” He leaned forward and pressed his face against your chest, much like the first day you’d been brought there.

As you stood there, you realized that it was no time to upset, nor time to be broken. Because Poe Dameron was broken, too, and he needed you far more than he let on. A man like him deserved this so little. You had to remember to do your best to make up for all the things he didn’t deserve.

He was one of the reasons you couldn’t break, one of the reasons you tried to hang onto the tiniest thread.

“Shh.” You ran your fingers through his hair, which only made him nestle his face further against your chest. “I’m…sorry I got upset. I just hate how much they hurt you.” You hadn’t been able to cry the past couple of days, but the comfort and worry that came with being around Poe had tears falling down your cheeks.

There was a long stretch of silence and then Poe was pulling away, shaking himself as if he were returning back to normal. “I’m okay. Now tell me what you need. Tell me what I can do to help you stay sane until you get out of here.”

You didn’t know what to say. You needed  _him_  and you needed calmness, and you weren’t entirely sure how to ask for that. The only thing that was going to get you through this was pretending everything was normal. So, instead of saying anything, you got on the bed with him and stretched out, laying your head in his lap.

He tensed for a moment in surprise, then leaned back against the wall. “You know, sometimes when it gets a little bad…” He tried so hard to act like they weren’t getting to him, and you were pretty sure he was only admitting to it to let you know that it was okay to be on the brink of breaking down. “I think about you and me, somewhere else. It keeps me going.”

“—really?” The fact that he thought of being with you was flattering. While it was a little silly, you would take anything that kept a little spark within you. “What do you think about?”

“Sometimes we’re laying in a field, watching the stars. Other times, we’re in the pilot’s seat on the Milennium Falcon.” His words managed to have you blushing despite all you had been through. “I just think of things that give me peace, and it gets me through another day. You should try it when things are too much.”

“Show me how.” It was daydreaming, but you hadn’t gone into such depth before. You certainly needed peace and figured that maybe this coping method of his could keep you going until you came up with a better plan. Or tried the one you already had. That would be a good start.

“Okay. Close your eyes.” He sounded rather amused, his fingers stroking through your hair as you did what he said. “Where are you?”

“Mmm…a beach.”

“A beach?”

“Yeah.”

“What color is the sand?”

“White.”

“Okay. What else do you see?”

You smiled softly, relaxing against his lap. “You. You’re laying next to me in the warm sand…and you’re not wearing a shirt.”

“Oh, so having me half-naked is what gives you peace, huh?” A glimpse of the cocky Poe Dameron you knew had you sinking further into your fantasy, almost certain it was the version of him next to you on the beach that was talking.

“Maybe. Mmm…I like the way you look at me.”

“How am I looking at you?”

“Like I’m important. Like I…deserve to be saved…” You were still exhausted from your diet, and your pain made you restless, so you were even more exhausted. You didn’t realize that the reason your fantasy felt so real was because it was steadily turning into a dream.

You could hear waves crashing against the shore.

“You do deserve to be saved. You  _will_  be saved.” When he didn’t get a response, Poe looked down at you. “Y/N?”

He smiled, watching your steady breathing for a little while. “Fuck, kid. I’ve gotta get you out of here.”

If you had been awake, you might have noticed that his words held purpose. Then you might have worried that it took having someone under his protection to give him that purpose.

You would have worried that he broke instead of fought when it was just him.

You would have realized that the whole time, he’d only mentioned  _you_  getting out.

* * *

“Just let her sleep.”

You woke up halfway to the sound of Poe’s hushed voice, trapped in some peaceful place between the darkness of unconsciousness and the hum of sound and the presence of people around you. You could feel his pants against your cheek, but you must have turned over at some point and your face was now pressed against his belly.

He was so wonderfully, delightfully warm.

“You wanna have the shit beaten out of me again?” He sounded so angry, and you were fairly certain he had an arm around you. Something was tight and heavy around your middle. “Go ahead, if it means she gets a break from this.”

“You were given two hours and that is all you will get.” That was Hux’s voice. You were most definitely awake now, tensing in Poe’s grip. “Is the dog not grateful for my generosity?”

“She doesn’t deserve this. Everything you’re doing? It’s gonna destroy her. Then again, I don’t know why I’m telling you this, since you seem hellbent on destroying everything good.”

“Poe?” You sat up and turned around, pressing against his side when you saw Hux standing there with a stormtrooper just behind him.

The general only smirked at you. “And she joins us. Isn’t it touching, the way she clings to you even though you’re the reason she’s here? Even though you were just a whimpering  _pup_  before her arrival? I thought we zapped this defiant attitude out of you, but evidently not. I wonder what it is about her that makes you more idiotic than typical scum.” His wonder seemed rhetorical as he gestured for you to stand. “Come.”

You pressed further into Poe’s side even though you knew you’d be forced to leave with them anyway. What was it about the human mind that made you do useless things for the extra few seconds of comfort?

“Do you truly think he cares for you? He’s merely playing the hero’s part, just as the rest of you do. He craves your recognition and need.” It seemed like he occasionally tried to turn you against Poe, and you weren’t all that into it. “He likely cares very little for you.”

You felt the way Poe held himself change and Hux looked at him with almost delight in his eyes.

“Oh. Oh, I see.”

You looked at Poe in hesitant confusion, trying to see what Hux saw, but a hand grabbed onto your hair and yanked you to your feet.

Poe dived forward to grab you back, until the stormtrooper stepped forward with a taser stave raised, and he fell back onto the bed so quickly to get away from it that he slammed into the wall. He’d been so normal, you almost forgot he was broken.

“When will you rebel scum learn that love will always be your downfall?” Hux kept his eyes on Poe as he tightened his grip on your hair, making you cry out. “Have you noticed, girl, or were you too busy crying for his protection to notice why he gave it?”

“Don't—” Poe’s protest was cut off when the stave was powered up and he pressed himself tighter against the wall.

“Perhaps you need to take a closer look.” Hux carelessly shoved the stormtrooper aside, pushing you between Poe’s knees. Your hands went to his torso to keep yourself from falling on top of him, faces mere inches apart, and you were pretty sure the forced closeness was another way for the two of you to be made uncomfortable. “Do you see it or are you as idiotic as you are worthless?”

His words shouldn’t have stung after being through practical torture, but you still felt your chest tighten from the insult. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” All you saw was Poe avoiding your gaze, which was because being that close was awkward, right?

“The dog is in love with you.” Hux sounded like he could bust out laughing at any moment, and you might have thought about how he probably wasn’t capable if you weren’t too busy staring at Poe. Your breath had hitched in your throat, waiting for an answer that only seemed to come in his continued avoidance of your gaze. “It would seem that your noble hero runs on desire rather than nobility.”

You hardly even had time to process the new information before Hux was passing you off to the stormtrooper, who put the stave away to take hold of your arm and drag you out of the room.

You couldn’t even attempt to struggle in your shock.

Poe was in love with you?

You found out Poe was  _in love with you_  and it had to be through General fucking Hux.

Maybe it was all just a lie, a way to manipulate and confuse you, but the way he refused to look at you spoke volumes.

You didn’t know what to think. You didn’t know what was true. All you knew was that you were about to panic as your shock slowly faded because Poe might be in love with you and you were currently separated from him. What were you supposed to do about this? There was nothing you  _could_  do. You were already being shoved into your dark, little prison.

When you sat down in your cell, you used Poe’s technique to calm down and keep going. If you were going to process everything, you would need to relax.

You closed your eyes.

You were on a beach.

Poe was with you.

He was telling you he loved you and it was the first time you’d heard about it.


	5. a hole you couldn't see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe's love is used against him, and you come up with the perfect plan to escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some violence in this chapter that may make you want to hug Poe and reader :(

You weren’t sure if you were in love with Poe.

You loved him and he was genuinely the best man you’d ever met. He was kind and brave, goofy and sweet. He was never unnecessarily cruel to anyone, even the First Order. He was amazing in bed — or at least in the pilot seat of the Millennium Falcon.

But you had been so unfocused on romance the past few months that you hadn’t given yourself time to fall  _in love_  with him.

You knew you  _could_ , though.

If you could be free. If you could just get to that beach and lay together for a few days, no war to fight, you would fall in love with him easily.

You felt the potential in you, untapped and waiting.

His technique of imagining another place helped to keep you calm as you sat in your cell for days; his feelings for you and the hope of returning them one day lit a fire in you.

A small fire, but good enough all the same. You had to get out, and your plan of running wasn’t going to cut it. If anything, you’d just end up dead or under more security. You forced yourself not to give into the dark loneliness of your cell and instead tried your hardest to think of a new, better plan.

After four days and with no plan, a stormtrooper came in and dragged you none too gently out of your cell. He didn’t demand you to follow him, just took you down the hallway as you stumbled behind him.

This whole thing was getting repetitive, but something felt different.

Urgent.

Which you couldn’t imagine was a good thing.

You weren’t going to the showers, you passed by Hux’s office, and you even passed by what you were pretty sure was Poe’s cell.

Definitely not a good thing.

Apparently, the long corridors on the First Order’s base did come to an end, as you were lead to a door at the end of one. Inside looked like a training room, with padded areas of floor and the wall, a few dummies here and there.

It must have been where stormtroopers learned combat.

Poe was standing in an area that wasn’t padded, not wearing his chain even though he was out of his cell. Hux was also there and he greeted you with a smirk that you didn’t like.

“Good morning.”

“—oh, shit, we have to fight each other.” You looked at Poe in panic, noticing he was getting closer before you noticed the hands on your shoulders that were pushing you.

“Now, now, don’t be so primitive.” Hux said in your ear as he stopped you in front of Poe. “I have been thinking how weak you scum are…how you believe in love and never stop to consider how foolish it is  — your idiocy never fails to amaze me. Then…I realized how useful this could be for me.” He paused, seemingly for dramatic effect. “Hit her.”

Poe’s face, which had remained neutral in an attempt to hide any fear or worry he might have been feeling, immediately fell. “I’d rather die.”

“Luckily for you, your life isn’t at stake here.”

There was suddenly a blaster pressed to the back of your head, reminiscent of the first day you were brought there, but with Hux holding it rather than a stormtrooper.

“Why?” Poe’s voice trembled with slight panic. “Why are you doing this? What’s the point of all of this? You bastards won! What more do you want? Just kill us. Let us go. Why the fuck do you have to put us through this?”

“Why? You see, I must admit that I don’t have very much to do now that we’ve won, beyond sending troops out. Having you live out the fates you deserve provides more entertainment than a few quick deaths.” Hux sounded like he could laugh again. “I almost forgot how fun complete power can be. Your pitiful love makes it all the better. Now make it count, or you’ll do it again.”

When you were first brought there, you told Poe it was okay to let them kill you. With Hux’s blaster pressing harder against your head, you knew that couldn’t go down this time. You needed to stay alive to save Poe and Finn. You couldn’t let Hux’s sadistic power play make you give in and leave your friends to fend for themselves, which they didn’t seem keen on doing anyway.

You could fall in love with Poe.

“Just do it.”

“I can’t.” He shook his head, conflict clear in his gaze. “I’m not gonna hurt you just so these assholes can get off on…” On your suffering. On proving that love would be his downfall as they used it against him.

“Poe, I’m a soldier. I’ve been roughed up more than a few times.” You tried to convey with your eyes that it was okay, that  _you’d_  be okay, that he was allowed to do it, that you would entertain the First Order if it meant another chance to think of a plan. “Go ahead.”

“I could make you do things she would never forgive you for, so I suggest you take this opportunity. Shall I count again? You imbeciles seem to need a countdown to make a decision. It’s a wonder the rebels got what little they could done. Three.”

“It’s okay.”

“I can’t.”

“Two.”

“Please, just do it.”

“I’m not going to hurt you.”

“One.”

The stress of everything mixed with the moment’s stress of having a blaster that would kill you unless the man who was in love with you  _hit you_  made you snap, “Just fucking do it!”

He slapped you so hard across the face that you collapsed to the floor, and it was quickly followed by him falling to his knees next to you. “Oh, fuck. Oh,  _fuck_. Kid, I’m so sorry—” His hands came forward to help you.

“Leave her.”

The hit must have knocked you a bit too hard because the room was spinning, and you could see two of Poe — which would have been convenient for escaping purposes — and everyone’s voices sounded far away, and you were really struggling to stand up.

When you managed to push yourself up into a sitting position and everything stopped spinning, you could see Poe clearly. He was crying, tears streaming down his cheeks unashamedly from the anguish that hitting you caused him.

He was right where General Hux wanted him. Being hurt just made him submissive and resigned, but hurting someone he loved tore him apart.

Especially when he was the one doing the hurting.

“It’s okay. I’m okay.” You practically crawled closer to Poe, reaching up to wipe the tears from his cheeks. “Don’t cry. It wasn’t you.”

You wished you were surprised when you were pulled away from him, but it was just expected at this point. You were surprised, however, when stormtroopers came in to haul you and Poe to your feet, pinning your arms behind your backs.

Or were you scared?

Yeah, you were scared, because this meant something worse than Poe being forced to hurt you was coming.

It came in the form of another stormtrooper and another damn taser stave.

They really  _didn’t_  have anything to do now that they ruled the galaxy, did they?

The stormtrooper came to your side and pulled your shirt down just enough to reveal your shoulder — the human mind was a funny thing, focusing on how their armor probably protected them so they could hold you still while you were shocked.

“Just leave her alone.” Poe was incredibly tense, struggling to break free. “Please, just—”

The stave was brought down on your bare shoulder, quick and not at all painless. You hid your noises of pain behind tight lips for Poe’s sake.

It didn’t help. He was too tenderhearted for your acting to help.

You would have screamed why like he did, but what was the point? You knew why. They enjoyed watching their enemies suffer; it was no deeper than that.

Your right side was shocked, then your left, and you were trying not to whimper by the time your shirt was lifted just slightly. You couldn’t hide anything as the crackling stave was pressed to the sensitive skin of your abdomen, crying out. The pain was worse than the first time you’d been shocked, your knees giving out so the only thing keeping you up was the grip on your arms.

“Poe!” You didn’t mean to call out for him, but your brain was sending signals of  _find comfort now_ , and Poe was comfort.

You got Hux instead, gripping your chin and forcing you to look at him. “You give up easier than the dog. You could learn to be strong with us.”

Perhaps there was something deeper. As if hurting you like this would turn you to the dark side.

The way his thumb ran over your bottom lip wasn’t any more convincing.

You heard a growl and the sound of trooper armor being hit, before Hux was yanked away from you and Poe shoved him against the nearest wall. “If you ever fucking touch her like that again, I’ll show you what a  _dog_  can do to you.”

Something about the interaction sparked a much needed fire in him that would have helped the two of you escape and save Finn. Not that it mattered, as he was quickly shocked and dragged back, thrown to the floor.

You closed your eyes even though the two stormtroopers blocked your view as they beat him back into submission. You flinched with every kick; with every groan of pain.

When you opened your eyes, you saw him laying on the floor, not moving. You were slightly panicked, and slightly angry, and wanting to hit the general who was straightening his clothes like nothing happened. “Is he—”

“I would say I touched a nerve, but he has so many. He’s living proof that the Resistance was full of children pretending to be strong. Well,” He leaned in close to you and lowered his voice to a whisper, making your gaze leave Poe. “Living proof for now.”

The thought of Poe dying in this place, by this bastard’s hand, had you so angry that you couldn’t stop yourself from saying, “Go fuck yourself, you cocksucking motherfucker.”

“You always come back, don’t you?” He gripped onto your hair and yanked you away from the stormtroopers, shoving you forward so you stumbled and fell next to Poe. “Just when I think I’ve finally broken you, you come back. For what? Him? He’s allowing your suffering and acting like it pains him.”

You elected to ignore him, shaking Poe. “Hey…hey…”

“It’s a shame to see such loyalty wasted on the Resistance.” Hux lifted his blaster, which you didn’t notice, then hesitated, which you didn’t notice, then brought it down on your head, which you  _did_ notice.

At least, you noticed Poe getting closer before everything went black.

* * *

When you woke up in your cell, you weren’t sure if all of that really happened. It just seemed like so much in such a short amount of time.

But your face hurt and a soft poke had you whimpering at the tender taser mark on your abdomen.

Which meant that Poe really had gathered the strength to momentarily escape, and then he’d been beaten to the point of unconsciousness. You hoped he was just unconscious and not…

You were glad to see a little fire in him, but you needed to get him out.

As you sat there, in pain and thinking of how Poe got some strength from watching Hux touch you and listening to him try to manipulate you, it suddenly occurred to you what you needed to do.

It was risky and, being honest, there was a good chance you would end up dead. But it was the perfect plan if you wanted a chance at saving Poe and even Finn.

You forced your tired, hurting body to its feet, making your way over to the door and leaning against it. “If anyone’s out there, I’d like to speak to General Hux.” You waited through a long moment of silence, focusing on all your physical and emotional pain until tears filled your eyes. “I’m sure someone is listening from somewhere. I…I give up, okay? I can’t do this anymore. I give up.”

Nothing happened, so you huffed and turned to go sit on your bed.

“You were surrendering?”

You jumped, turning back around to see that Hux had entered your cell. “—not exactly.” You moved to him, staring at his chest. “You were right…about…about the Resistance. I mean, they got me into this and they haven’t tried to save me.”

Would the First Order really come to your rescue if you were with them, though?

“Finn gave in so easily and Poe…” You closed your eyes. “Poe is letting me go through hell just so he can see me from time to time. I saw…I saw the way he looked at me after he hit me. It was like he enjoyed—” You gasped as Hux grabbed your chin, lifting your head and making you look at his face.

“Get to the point, girl. I’m aware of your little group’s shortcomings.”

Your hand came up to grab his wrist, about to yank his hand away out of instinct, but you held onto him instead. “I want to join the First Order. You can make me strong, and you won’t let me suffer because of your own desires.”

He looked surprised and then gave a smirk that was  _made_  of evil. “Oh?”

“Yes. I—” You hesitated.

But this had to be done.

You had no other choice if you wanted this plan to work.

“—and I want to kill Poe Dameron.”


	6. i can't tell if i'm not me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You prove your loyalty to the First Order, and your move to the dark side destroys Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one will make you want to hug Poe even more, if that's possible!!!!

You fantasized that the First Order would immediately set you free and let you do as you pleased, but that was pretty unrealistic.

You were put into a bigger, well-lit cell, at least.

A cell which stormtroopers actually  _entered_  to give you food.

Food that was more than sludge; slightly fluffy bread was delivered to you with your usual water. You ate it like it was the finest meal you’d ever been given.

Much to your surprise, it was only a day or two before a stormtrooper came and lead you rather gently down the hallway.

Gently meaning that you weren’t dragged or forced with a blaster to your back.

Even though you had a new plan and things were different, you were still a little scared as you were brought into Hux’s office. There was obviously the possibility that he knew your plan and was lulling you into a false sense of security, and was about to kill you.

But he smiled at you and stood as you entered, walking around his desk to meet you. “I must say, I wasn’t as surprised as I expected to be when you said you wanted to join us. I knew you had potential all along.”

Good. This was good. Well, it wasn’t good that you had some clear potential to be evil, but it was good that he wasn’t suspicious of you.

“But I do wonder how much they’ve ruined your mind. If you can really come back from years under their ideology.” He didn’t see your face fall as he moved to speak into your ear. “And a small part of me wonders if you are… _lying_?”

“I’m not,” you said almost too quickly, too nervously, trying to keep a level stare as he moved to look at you. “Poe Dameron and the Resistance have brought me to captivity and torture, and I can see what they are now.”

_Liar. Liar._

Did you lie better than Poe, you wondered.

“Only looking out for themselves, yes?” He hummed. “Oh, it’s so easy to act. No, I want you to prove yourself; prove that you’ve learned, that you’re strong enough to be with us. Strong enough to kill your pilot, perhaps. I won’t have a pathetic traitor running around this base, trying fruitlessly to escape. Bring the girl in.”

The girl? What girl? Weren’t you ‘the girl’? Weren’t you pretty much the only girl around here as far as you knew?

Apparently not. A young woman was dragged in, your age or perhaps younger, crying and struggling against the cuffs that bound her arms behind her back.

“She was conspiring against us, helping anyone she could to fight back. It’s a good thing we took control of her planet before she could do any sort of damage.” As Hux explained, you felt a weight in your hands and then he was guiding your arms up. “Go ahead.”

You were confused for a moment; you looked at Hux, then at your hands. You knew what was going on when you saw the added weight was a blaster.

“No!” You immediately lowered the blaster. “I…I mean, I want to kill Poe because I hate him. I don’t hate her.”

“Killing has nothing to do with hate. It has to do with necessity.” He grabbed your arms firmly and raised them up. “Hatred just happens to make it more fun. Now, prove yourself to me.”

If you didn’t prove yourself, he would know everything was a lie and you imagined whatever came of it would make you consider your previous arrangements to be enjoyable.

But you had to convince him by murdering an innocent person.

You must have been watching the woman weep for too long as Hux moved to speak in your ear again.

“If you think what you went through was difficult, you would be horrified at what’s in store for her. You’ll be putting her out of her misery, just like your pilot should have done for you, and just like I would do for you. I can be loyal if you are willing to do the same.”

“I…”

You wanted to turn the blaster on yourself.

But you couldn’t leave Poe.

And if what they would do to the girl in front of you was worse than isolation, practical starvation, torture of you, and torture of someone you cared about, how could you let her go through that?

Was killing her really the better option?

“I know you. You’re from the Resistance!” The way she looked at you and sobbed in relief had you trembling harder than you already were. “Please, get us out of here…”

“Do the right thing.” Hux spoke so softly, his words should have been sweet. “Do what the Resistance is too selfish to do.”

If you killed her, she would be out of harm’s way.

Your plan would continue.

But you would  _kill her_.

She was looking at you like a hero, expecting you to save her when you were going to do the opposite. Or at least save her in a different way.

“Please…I want to go home.”

“Oh, fuck.” Tears were filling your eyes, but you held them back because otherwise Hux would  _know_ that this was destroying you too much for someone who claimed to want to kill a friend.

You tightened your grip on the blaster. You  _had_  to do this.

Even if the girl’s eyes widened in recognition and she started to cry harder.

Even though your finger hesitated on the trigger, refusing to move enough to cause any action.

You had to do it for you, for Poe, for the Resistance, and for the girl in some fucked up sort of way that protected her from a life of torture.

But it hurt so much. Your chest was squeezing, your entire body shaking, your tears were begging to fall, and a sob was building up within you.

She wept with everything she had.

You noticed the weeping stop and everything go silent before you actually noticed you’d pulled the trigger.

And there she was, on the floor, eyes staring at nothing and one of her shoulders bent awkwardly in her position. Not that she would feel it, since you had just—

You dropped the blaster so quickly that Hux had to catch it more than simply take it from you.

“Remember, this isn’t the first time you’ve killed.” He was right about that. “But it is the first time you’ve done it rightfully. You have proven your strength and loyalty. Now return to your cell for the time being.”

You barely listened to him, walking in almost a trance as a stormtrooper took you out of the office. As the door shut, you snapped out of it and every emotion that you forced back came rushing forward.

You wept like the girl.

“No, no, no, no. Oh, fuck.” Your knees gave out and the trooper had to pull you back up, practically dragging you down the hallway. “What did I do? What did I  _do_?”

You knew exactly what you did, and that didn’t help.

Seeming insane to any passerby, you continued to sob out 'no’s and profanities, even as you were shoved into your cell, You stumbled and collapsed, crying against the floor as your actions continued to dawn on you.

You could see her eyes.

You could  _feel_  her eyes.

It took you a moment to notice that the stormtrooper was standing in the doorway, staring at you. You tried to pull yourself together. “Plea—please don't—don’t tell Hux.” You figured they were watching to report that you were weak, but they kept staring. “Wha—what?”

Your breath hitched in slight hope, your sobs softening just a little as you forced yourself to sit up. “Finn?” They just kept standing there, proving themselves in a much tamer way than you’d just had to prove yourself. “Finn!”

You practically crawled towards him, seeking comfort from a friend that you didn’t deserve. It seemed to spook him out of whatever reverie he was in, making him back up and shut the door.

Alone. It took you a moment to process his quick departure, then your tears returned.

Finn was irrelevant at the moment, compared to what you did.

You killed a completely innocent woman who was begging you to save her, all so you could follow through with your stupid plan.

You curled up against the wall, shivering and sobbing.

You always considered yourself to be on the light side, that you would never turn to something as obviously wrong as the dark side.

But could you be sure of that now?

Would killing someone innocent be the start of something you wouldn’t be able to stop?

* * *

You’d been staring at the wall for hours.

She wasn’t the first person you killed. How many stormtroopers had you taken out, not considering that there were human beings underneath their armor?

Those had been life or death situations.

Was killing that girl life or death, or just your selfishness? You wanted to save Poe — and yourself, if you were being honest — and put so much importance in your plan to do so, that you had done the unthinkable.

She was so innocent. She was good, better than you could ever dream of being.

So desperate. So afraid.

Of you. It wasn’t Hux who killed her, no matter how many times you tried to rationalize that you were forced into it.

No one forced you. You killed the girl all by yourself, with too little hesitation in your opinion.

If you and Poe did get out, could you really just join the Resistance again? Now that you were a murderer?

More of a murderer.

You didn’t look up when the door opened. You didn’t look up when a stormtrooper walked over to you. You didn’t look up as they spoke to you. You didn’t look up when they held out pristinely folded clothes.

“General Hux has requested for you to change.”

You might have made a biting comment before, but you couldn’t now. You were on their side and you killed someone to prove it.

Instead, you took the clothes and unfolded them. It was some sort of First Order uniform, though of a very low rank. It was dark and plain, with their symbol sewn into it. You didn’t even get a hat.

“Thank you.” You weren’t sure why you thanked them.

“Come to the door when you’re finished.”

You watched the stormtrooper leave, and you made yourself stand, and you made yourself change, and then you slowly walked to the door.

The stormtrooper allowed you to walk by their side, so you certainly proved yourself.

You still couldn’t manage to be happy about it.

When you approached Hux’s office, you felt a jolt of fear go through you at the possibility of having to kill someone else. Or maybe they left everything and wanted you to clean it up.

All you could focus on was how hard your heart was beating. Hadn’t you done enough? Couldn’t you get a break and figure out the rest of your plan, and get somewhere safe where you could destroy yourself for what you’d done?

The sight of Poe there, on his knees with his gaze on the floor, only served to make your heart beat even harder because  _were they going to have you kill him already_?

No, you needed time. You had to complete your plan and get the two of you out before killing him became a real option.

Beneath your fear was something pitiful; the desire to collapse before him, to crawl into his lap and weep about what you’d done. To admit that you killed someone to save your and his asses, that you might as well turn to the dark side, that you were awful, that you should have turned the blaster on yourself instead.

But you couldn’t. You wanted to kill him as far as General Hux knew, and you had to keep your entire being neutral. Your legs and your chin trembled, but you stood tall and kept your tears at bay. You decided it would be best not to look at Poe.

“Eyes up, dog,” said Hux from where he stood behind his desk proudly.

You heard a strangled noise, and then you realized why they had given you this outfit and why they brought you to see Poe.

Today you would be killing him, but not physically.

“No, no, no, no, baby, not you.  _Please_ , not you.” You could tell he was crying just from hearing him speak.

There was a sudden force against your legs that would have had you toppling over were it not for the arms wrapping around you, Poe’s face pressing to the front of your pants.

You stood stiffly and stared straight ahead as he wept, fighting your damn hardest to keep from crying with him. If you thought seeing him in pain was difficult, nothing prepared you for seeing this strong, good man completely falling apart at your feet.

You thought he had been broken before.

You couldn’t say sorry. You couldn’t fall to the floor with him and hold him, and tell him that none of it was real.

You could stand there and pretend you didn’t care. That was it.

“Do you know what she said, dog?” There was the prideful, amused general, walking from around his desk. “That she hates you. That she wants to…kill you.” Now he did laugh; apparently he was capable of it.

“No, this is a lie.” Poe pulled away enough to look up at you desperately while you continued to stare straight ahead. “Tell me this is a lie! Tell me they didn’t get to you, please.”

“Kick him away.”

“You can’t do this to me, you’re supposed to get out. I have to get you out.”

You closed your eyes against the coming tears, forcing yourself to nudge him with your knee, which barely made him move. You nudged a bit harder, managing to get him to give away enough for you to start to move back.

He followed, grabbing at any part of you he could. “You’re so strong, sweetheart, you can’t let them turn you into this. Please tell me you’re faking this.”

The Poe you knew might have gone along with this, might have realized you were doing this for protection.

But the Poe you knew had not been a broken man who saw his kindest friend turned into a heartless stormtrooper. If Finn had fallen, what hope was there for you?

He kept begging as you squirmed to get out of his grip, so pitiful that your tears were trying to fall and you knew you had to get out of there. You were seconds away from diving into his arms, admitting everything, and begging for forgiveness that wasn’t even his to give.

He was completely breaking because of  _you_  when all you wanted to do was to get him out and help him heal.

Was this plan worth it? Would you succeed? And if you did, would Poe be okay? Or would this be what completely brought him down?

He grasped desperately at your ankles when you pulled away, causing you to fall to the floor, scrambling to get away from him. Your plan would be ruined if you broke with him.

A stormtrooper dragged him back and you hurried to your feet, running out of the room without a care if you got in trouble. Even if it revealed to them that this was all a ruse, at least they might put you out of your misery.

You hadn’t realized you were barely breathing until you stumbled into the hallway and took the deepest breath you were sure you ever had in your life. You held onto the wall to stay standing, closing your eyes tightly as you reminded yourself,  _don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry_.

There were footsteps behind you, followed by a suspicious tone, “Is something the matter, Y/N?”

Your name sounded strange on Hux’s tongue. It made your skin crawl.

You would be absolutely fucked and not at all put out of your misery if you admitted that this was all fake.

Slowly straightening up, you turned to face him. “I…hate being touched by him. He betrayed me and I…” You trailed off, unsure of what else to say.

You didn’t realize you were avoiding his gaze until he gently grasped your chin, lifting your head to search for the truth in your eyes.

“I see.” His thumb ran over your bottom lip, with no Poe to jump him. No actual  _you_  to kick his ass because you had to pretend to tolerate him. “Once your last thread to the Resistance is gone, you and I could make…quite the team.” The way his fingers trailed along your jawline told you clearly what sort of team he had in mind.

“Yes.” Now you wanted to cry even more than before.

Maybe you were in over your head with this plan. What if you couldn’t figure a way out before you were faced with your 'desire’ to kill Poe?

Would they kill you if you refused? Or continue to torture you until you were old and withered?

You could imagine them killing Poe in front of you and making you live with the pain.

Or maybe they would do it the other way around.

Hux pulled away, seeming almost satisfied. “His public execution will be held two days from now. You may choose the weapon, of course.”

In over your head or not, you were going to have to go through with this.

Unless some miracle got you, Poe, and Finn out of it.

A miracle would have been really fucking helpful at this point.

**Author's Note:**

> What did you think?? :) :)


End file.
